I spent the last 3 days in the windy city, visiting with my Muffin and his family. As soon as we got in it was time for sleep so I put on my pj’s and he got in bed nakey like always. It’s like nothing changed since December. After a few hours of sleep and repositioning, I awoke to him laying squarely on my stomach, arms wrapped around as tight as can be. He squeezed and I sighed, now that I was awake he welcomed me properly until I tapped out. After breakfast Saturday morning, we got back in bed and he slept in my lap and on my chest for a few more hours. This is what I missed, the company, our little routines, comfortable silence punctuated by small talk and veiled emotion, and the odd sigh. After mid-day nap time we went to his Mothers house and watched movies, another one of our things. When she got home he introduced me and we made small talk then she left us alone. We sat and watched TV and ate a fucking incredible deep dish pizza. We argued a lot about food, pizza specifically, for most of my visit, both too proud to cede victory to the other. He took me back to the room, hand on my knee the entire drive, something he does when he knows he’s going to leave. He had an early day filled with familial obligations ahead, he kissed me goodnight then took off. I slept like the dead thanks to that pizza, too tired to be sad about sleeping alone, to worry about how cruel it was to be closer than I had been to him in months but not close enough to feel his warmth next to me. I spent Sunday in bed, only coming down to eat. I watched movies, spent some time reading and perused the internet. After obligations were handled, he came back and slid into bed like nothing changed. We sat next to each other, reading in bed like an old couple, something we joked about a few times before. Hunger hit so we ventured out in the rain, everything was closed so we ate gas station food and crawled back in bed. Satisfied, he snuggled up to my chest and passed out while I stroked his back and hair. We slept like that for hours, until his need to grip me tighter while unconscious backed me into a corner. I switched sides of the bed and slipped back under the covers. The night passed that way. Once he relocated me in the dark the embrace began again. I started to shuffle when it got close to breakfast time, he kissed my back so I stayed. Finally I stretched to get up and he grabbed and smooched my shoulder, I sat up and he hugged my hips, I started stroking his back until I realized we needed to get up, not go back to sleep. After the meal we got back in bed to read and cuddle, showered and got ready to go. We headed downtown, to that picturesque little metropolis. Walked the city, took pictures of pretty things and talked about anything. We got close to his mother’s office, he called her and asked if she wanted to have lunch with us. She came down and hugged him, then me, which caught me off guard, not used to other peoples moms hugging me. We ate in a nice little cafe and she talked about her sons while he interjected to agree or bring up another point. Watching them interact like that was adorable. We said our goodbyes, he and I kept walking around, we saw a homeless woman asking for food and he gave her the rest of his lunch. We passed the big Marilyn Monroe statue and ventured into a tea shop, after a free sample and pleasant conversation with our server, he got three bags of loose tea and a cool infuser cup. We headed back toward the car, the Chicago winds are no joke, the wind resistance gave us quite the workout. We walked the 10 or so blocks while he told me about the city, I gave all the change in pocket to a pleasant homeless man, he thanked me and told me he loved me, seeing me walk back to Muffin, he called out that he loved him too. After we found the car he took me for a ride down Lake Shore Drive, I don’t think I’ve ever seen water that crystal shade of blue. We visited his Grandfather’s business and he caught up with the guys. It was about time to start making our way to O’hare, hand on my knee the whole ride. I glanced at him as often as I could, as we sat in silence punctuated by new songs on the radio, trying to commit him to memory once again, how his chest rose and fell, the way his thumb circled my patella, I had 45minutes to complete the task. At the terminal, that he almost passed, I gathered my belongings and he latched onto me like a vice, backed away for a split second then crashed into my lips with a determination that made it even harder to walk away. I managed not to cry until the plane was firmly in the sky, I wept silently in my seat for a good portion of the flight, too enthralled in my emotions to care about the noisy child behind me or the man next to me who didn’t respect the mid-line of the seats. I held it together from the landing until I settled in bed, a few tears escaping as I drifted off.
I’m writing to flush this overwhelming sadness from my system, to cry all I need to, and maybe to finally let myself say I love him aloud. I do not know when I will see him next, but I do know that it cannot come soon enough or last long enough to keep this inconsolable heartbreak at bay.
